'Why Complain' By Adesina Ogunlana

I doubt whether that terror of the deep and the not so deep waters, the croc, can actually groan. But then can the crocodile shed tears? Yet there is a proverb that alludes to the tears of the crocodile.



To shed “crocodile tears” is to show insincere concern or pity for a person or a situation or in other words to exhibit a sympathy that is not real but is visible and apparent. In my journeys in the forest of laws, in the last ten years as the first Gecko, I have come across many interesting characters and situations, some so stunning as to beggar description or to defy reason.


A type of characters that always amuses me, in my journeys are those lawyers who are loud and active in painting the picture of the widespread Corruption in the Judiciary but become passive, even suffer self induced somnambulism, when it comes to stepping forward to unmask the “evil doers”.




I have come across so many of these crocodile groaners that I can write a manual on their behaviour. This is how they manifest.



STAGE I
A C.G (Crocodile Groaner) approaches a bar leader either with a huge frown on his face or looking very worried and agitated indeed. The Bar leader becomes alarmed in return. The C.G barely manages a choked greeting before launching his or her torrents of complaints.




“What’s the profession into! Imagine Registrar Kudilamo asking my clerk to bring #3,000.00 for just a page of a certified ruling!



“I was filing my papers when the Registry Staff said I must “drop” “#500.00:” before they can process my files”


“These magistrates are impossible! Do you know that one they call Funmilego Karikachop who sits at Ogba? He said he will not approve bail for my brother except we give him #50,000.00. After my old uncle begged and begged that was when he “simmered down” and collected #30,000.00.


STAGE 2
After laying his complaints, the C.G appears shocked or even infuriated if the Bar Leader appears to doubt his story or some parts of it. This is the typical reaction.


“Ha, ha how can you ask whether I am sure of what I am saying? Will I come all the way from my chambers to tell a lie? I say this thing happened.




“The Registrar asked my clerk for money and it was only after we gave her the #3,000.00 that we got the order”!



“I say the bailiff followed my client home to get the balance of #6,000.00 and they even entertained him with beer and chicken!”



“Don’t say impossible! It was not only possible, it happened. The judge, I repeat told my client that he didn’t mind her daughter who is the younger sister of the accused and that if that one, (her name is Donde) cooperated, he would not sentence her brother and would not even collect the #500,000.00 he earlier demanded for. And you know our people, the daughter went and they did the show but Justice Ajeranjegungun, refused to sit on the 17th that he had promised to deliver his judgement. When my client went to see him, his head Registrar turned the woman back and said that baba said she should send her message to him through her daughter Donde. Can you imagine that! The woman overheard the registrar saying that their Oga said Donde was too sweet for just one time.”


STAGE 3
Having heard all the facts and fictions of the corrupt behaviour and gross misconduct of the various officials of the Judiciary stated with so much indignation passion and conviction, by the C.G, the Bar Leader is moved to proceed against the bad eggs in the Judiciary. So he tells the C.G to “please write a strongly worded petition on this matter. Remember to state all the salient facts and the material details. Address the letter either to the Chief Judge of Lagos State, or the Chairman of the Public Complaints and Training Committee of the Lagos State Judiciary. Send us two copies of the petition either to the Chairman of our branch or the Secretary”.



STAGE 4:- (THE HOUR OF TRUTH)



When you put bullets in a gun and you pull the trigger, the gun must ejaculate! Isn’t it? When you “anoint” a fire with a gush of the spirit of petroleum, an inflammation should occur? Isn’t it? When you confront a rock with an unboiled egg, the egg must spill its guts Isn’t it?






Ha, ha, ha! It is not always so. This is what the Bar Leader finds out, that in Nigeria, two plus two can be very far from four. At this point the hither to charged “complainant” the “Crocodile Groaner” suddenly, very suddenly, but certainly transforms into something else. The toga of bravado, is shed, the sword of contention dropped, the ardour of war cooled, the rage of the storm stilled, the quest for justice dropped and the call for probity abandoned. In a second. In a twinkle of an eye. Simply unbelievable, incredible, this wondrous transformation. The song you hear now goes like this


(i) ”em, em, you see, you know……em, the thing is that, em, please understand me, one is just bothered about the arrogance of these registrars, if only they can drop that ……. How much is #2,000.00 by the way that one can’t dash somebody?


(ii) “Well I only brought this complaint to your notice for your attention. That is all. After all, you are our leaders and we must let you know what is going on and what we the ordinary practitioners daily face in the judiciary. Really I am not interested in fighting any registrar or bailiff. Is it worth it?


(iii) “Petition ke? I don’t want to be responsible for the destruction of any body’s career. You know all these people too have dependants, children, wives etc I have even promised my God never to damage anybody’s prospect in this life”.






STAGE 5
A much baffled Bar leader, could only gaze at the sorry spectacle of the transformed Crocodile Groaner. The C.G has taken at least thirty minutes of his precious time only now to turn tail when the “Forward March” order is about to be given. The Bar Leader knows more than a dozen names he could throw at the C.G. Names like “Idiot”, “fool”, “nincompoop”, “coward”, “reactionary”, “unprogressive”, but he swallowed them all. He asked only one question.






“If you knew that you wouldn’t want us to proceed against this judge or bailiff, or registrar or clerk or magistrate, WHY DID YOU COME HERE?


Ladies and gentlemen, yes you, your very selves, please answer the question.