THE LEARNED SQUIB
Once upon a time, there were two close friends, named Joju and Loju. One day Joju cropped a cough from God knew where. Loju too discovered that he had ring worms on his hands and legs.
It was not long that the ailments drove the two friends to despair; particularly as the ailments were not members of the society of silence. Joju's cough did not care for occasions, neither Loju's epidermal home grown embarrassment. Joju might be in the middle of some disquisition on matters of the heart with a pretty lass or was busy closing a deal with a craftsman, when the tormentor in his throat would compel him to start violent vocalisation in fits and spurts.
As for Loju, the sudden orders to start scratching away, with careless, but compulsory abandon tended not to come in the privacy of his room or while in the solitary walk to his farm. Rather the signals were often received in the market place, family meetings, or during the popular ayo games.
In short, the friends before long became objects of ridicule in their village. Then one of their neighbours called Amona, told them the obvious truth
“You guys need to see a doctor fast” said Amona.
The friends eagerly agreed but which of the doctors to see? Amona told them of a very good doctor who dispensed efficacious medications. The only problem was “his medicines tend to be bitter, most of the time”
“Bitter medicine!” Both friends cried out t the same time and begged Amona to take them to another doctor. Amona agreed saying “I know another one his own medicines are anything but bitter. They will make you FEEL better in no time”
Joju and Loju without hesitation indicated their interest in this second doctor. When they got to the man's clinic, the doctor quickly confirmed his reputation as a dispenser of interesting medicines.
“Joju your case is easy.
Loju your case too is easy. In fact very easy. For you Joju, your medicine is akara that has pepper and onions, while Loju your medicine is 'adi-agbon' (palm-kernel oil)” declared the doctor.
The two friends were over joyed. Joju incidentally loved eating akara while Loju really fancied adigbon's for its smell and the shine it gives the body.
Very happily and eagerly both look to their medicines and for a while it appeared as if their ailments were losing out to the onslaught of the “new improved medicine.” For example Joju's coughing fits reduced from 4 times a minute to twice a minute while Loju's “scratch-mania” became mere “scratchy- scratchy”
However at the end of a week, the two friends realised that they had only been foolish in relying on peppered akara to cure whooping cough and adi-agbon to drive away virulent attacks of ring- worms. So they rushed back to Amona to lead them to the door step of the doctor “with the bitter but effective medicine”.
Now, how I wish Lagos State would do likewise in the matter of creating neatness, orderliness on Lagos streets. The solution certainly does not lie in the type of recent funny legislations of the State, where huge sums of money are to be slammed on those who contravene traffic regulations, or those who hawk wares on the highway.
These news laws are not only outrageous for being impractical and insensitive, but also because they leave the fundamental problems that led to this sad situation untouched while focusing on consequences or effect of the problems. They may at first appear to be working but they will ultimately failed just like peppered akara treatment for whooping cough. The highway hawkers and the mad drivers will bounce back because the laws do not attack the roots of their creation.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
'Help! Judges Are Thrilling Me' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Help! Judges are thrilling me. I think I should be more specific. Help! Lagos State High Court Judges are thrilling me. May be I should be more elaborate – please help me, come to my aid, render assistance to me, bail me out, offer me comfort, afford me your support, because lo and behold, I am beginning to experience, serial, continuous and continuing and I hope perpetual enjoyment in the hands of Judges of Lagos State High Court, my primary – constituency.
Why you may need to help me is because if the enjoyment becomes persistent, perpetual and permanent, this columnist, a.k.a the First Gecko may be out of job, fully or substantially.
Am I speaking in riddles? May be I am not even making much sense. Pardon me. I suspect that my brain or at least the fraction or faction of it known and called the medulla oblongata, and which is situate, lying and being at the southern most part of my occipital cylinder is intoxicated and consequently flabbergasted with the heady fumes of the commendable actions of our said judges.
From my personal experience and from what I gather from colleagues, the chances that you will smile out of a Lagos State High Court, than frown are about the chances of an orangutan humming Handel’s Hallelujah! It is either the judges are not there, or when there, many are impatient or rude or down right irritable with counsel. It is a well known fact that most lawyers, at least the senior ones, know law much more than most judges, with the perplexing situation of having the initiates being wiser than the chief priest of the goddess Justice.
But last week was special and different, at least for me. On Monday I had a splendid time in court. The court of Honourable Justice Oyefeso. Everybody knows this is one sweet, polite and perspicacious judge. At the end of my matter, I requested for cost to be paid by the absentee other party. When the honourable judge heard me out, His Lordship adjourned the matter without any reference to my request for cost.
Trust me to remind the judge. The judge’s reaction was to wear an earnest look after saying an apologetic ‘Oh’. Then the judicial pen scribbled rapidly away and I was happy that I’d be getting the cost. But you know what the judge said? “Cause shall be in cost.” The joke was on me. But it was pleasant and so adroitly delivered.
On Tuesday, the 10th June 2008, duty and destiny (if you believe it exists) brought me to the court of Justice Kayode - Ogunmekan. Now Kayode Ogunmekan J is your harsh exterior, soft interior, the kind but rather no-nonsense aunty type. If you want to get Kayode – Ogunmekan J’s goat, go to His Lordship’s court unprepared and top it with lame excuses. You can be sure you’ll get it. Ask State Counsel, who have plied their trade in that territory.
But on Tuesday 10th June, it was the angelic side of the honourable judge all those present in court saw. It was so touching seeing Ogunmekan J consoling, comforting and advising a lady litigant on how best to cope with the terrible challenges her troubled marriage had thrown up. I don’t think a certified Christian marriage counselor could have been done any better! What I found significant was the ease with which the judge dumped law ad legalism to embrace Christian theology, personal experience and home-spun philosophy to tackle the human angle factors of the case.
On Wednesday 11th June 2008, the happy day that saw the passing away of Chief Lamidi Adedibu, the Pro-chancellor of the Ibadan based Amala and Igbati University of Garrison Politics, I was opportuned to be at Honourable Justice Dada’s court at the Ikeja High Court.
Many of the lawyers who have appeared before Dada J told me, His Lordship reminded them in some ways of Kudirat Kekere –Ekun J.C.A.
In her years as Kekere - Ekun J in the Lagos State High Court, His Lordship was a hardworking but strict, narrow and unsmiling judge. Kekere-Ekun J was always business-like in her court, permanently expression less.
It was easy then for such a judge to be labelled “hard” or even “wicked! The same reputation Dada J, rather unfairly, is gathering. But on Wednesday 11th June 2008, what the judge displayed in the case of a bank worker she convicted of failure to prevent a felony or such like offence was nothing but sheer kindness. The honourable judge could have hauled the fellow straight away to two year stay at the Government Resort Centre Kirikiri, as his case deserved, but rather the judge ordered him to pay a million naira as fine instead. And that is not all – the judge gave the fellow a 14 day grace to raise the funds before the gates of the resort centre should be made to close against him if he defaults. I thought that was beautiful of the judge, but you don’t praise Dada J to His Lordship’s face in court.
I think from all the above stories, you’ll agree with me that if our judges, or at least 80% of them should do like their learned siblings aforementioned I’ll soon be out of job or at least almost out of job-: there won’t be much of anything worth complaining about in the Judiciary and legal profession, at least in Lagos State.
Well, I hope the day will come. The day, geckos will no longer be on duty and my pen will rest. But is that the way of the world?
Help! Judges are thrilling me. I think I should be more specific. Help! Lagos State High Court Judges are thrilling me. May be I should be more elaborate – please help me, come to my aid, render assistance to me, bail me out, offer me comfort, afford me your support, because lo and behold, I am beginning to experience, serial, continuous and continuing and I hope perpetual enjoyment in the hands of Judges of Lagos State High Court, my primary – constituency.
Why you may need to help me is because if the enjoyment becomes persistent, perpetual and permanent, this columnist, a.k.a the First Gecko may be out of job, fully or substantially.
Am I speaking in riddles? May be I am not even making much sense. Pardon me. I suspect that my brain or at least the fraction or faction of it known and called the medulla oblongata, and which is situate, lying and being at the southern most part of my occipital cylinder is intoxicated and consequently flabbergasted with the heady fumes of the commendable actions of our said judges.
From my personal experience and from what I gather from colleagues, the chances that you will smile out of a Lagos State High Court, than frown are about the chances of an orangutan humming Handel’s Hallelujah! It is either the judges are not there, or when there, many are impatient or rude or down right irritable with counsel. It is a well known fact that most lawyers, at least the senior ones, know law much more than most judges, with the perplexing situation of having the initiates being wiser than the chief priest of the goddess Justice.
But last week was special and different, at least for me. On Monday I had a splendid time in court. The court of Honourable Justice Oyefeso. Everybody knows this is one sweet, polite and perspicacious judge. At the end of my matter, I requested for cost to be paid by the absentee other party. When the honourable judge heard me out, His Lordship adjourned the matter without any reference to my request for cost.
Trust me to remind the judge. The judge’s reaction was to wear an earnest look after saying an apologetic ‘Oh’. Then the judicial pen scribbled rapidly away and I was happy that I’d be getting the cost. But you know what the judge said? “Cause shall be in cost.” The joke was on me. But it was pleasant and so adroitly delivered.
On Tuesday, the 10th June 2008, duty and destiny (if you believe it exists) brought me to the court of Justice Kayode - Ogunmekan. Now Kayode Ogunmekan J is your harsh exterior, soft interior, the kind but rather no-nonsense aunty type. If you want to get Kayode – Ogunmekan J’s goat, go to His Lordship’s court unprepared and top it with lame excuses. You can be sure you’ll get it. Ask State Counsel, who have plied their trade in that territory.
But on Tuesday 10th June, it was the angelic side of the honourable judge all those present in court saw. It was so touching seeing Ogunmekan J consoling, comforting and advising a lady litigant on how best to cope with the terrible challenges her troubled marriage had thrown up. I don’t think a certified Christian marriage counselor could have been done any better! What I found significant was the ease with which the judge dumped law ad legalism to embrace Christian theology, personal experience and home-spun philosophy to tackle the human angle factors of the case.
On Wednesday 11th June 2008, the happy day that saw the passing away of Chief Lamidi Adedibu, the Pro-chancellor of the Ibadan based Amala and Igbati University of Garrison Politics, I was opportuned to be at Honourable Justice Dada’s court at the Ikeja High Court.
Many of the lawyers who have appeared before Dada J told me, His Lordship reminded them in some ways of Kudirat Kekere –Ekun J.C.A.
In her years as Kekere - Ekun J in the Lagos State High Court, His Lordship was a hardworking but strict, narrow and unsmiling judge. Kekere-Ekun J was always business-like in her court, permanently expression less.
It was easy then for such a judge to be labelled “hard” or even “wicked! The same reputation Dada J, rather unfairly, is gathering. But on Wednesday 11th June 2008, what the judge displayed in the case of a bank worker she convicted of failure to prevent a felony or such like offence was nothing but sheer kindness. The honourable judge could have hauled the fellow straight away to two year stay at the Government Resort Centre Kirikiri, as his case deserved, but rather the judge ordered him to pay a million naira as fine instead. And that is not all – the judge gave the fellow a 14 day grace to raise the funds before the gates of the resort centre should be made to close against him if he defaults. I thought that was beautiful of the judge, but you don’t praise Dada J to His Lordship’s face in court.
I think from all the above stories, you’ll agree with me that if our judges, or at least 80% of them should do like their learned siblings aforementioned I’ll soon be out of job or at least almost out of job-: there won’t be much of anything worth complaining about in the Judiciary and legal profession, at least in Lagos State.
Well, I hope the day will come. The day, geckos will no longer be on duty and my pen will rest. But is that the way of the world?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
'Identity Crisis' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
Last week, precisely Monday the 2nd of June 2008, a call came through my ‘Gizm’ pack. The voice that sounded in my ears clearly painted the picture that the caller was distressed and agitated.
“You just have to come quickly to the High Court and read for yourself the much of NBA Ikeja money you have been alleged to have misappropriated.” said the voice.
Okay, so I was the ‘allegee.’ That’s settled. But who was the “alleger?” I asked the voice. When there’s a report that you are a scoundrel, it is natural to want to know who or what the accuser(s) is.
My accuser, good enough had a name but arduously, lacked an identity. According to my caller, the accuser went by the name Transparency Group (NBA Ikeja).
My immediate reaction was to laugh and hiss at the same time. Just a week earlier, I learnt that a so called Integrity Lawyers Group, sent a mail, courtesy internet services, to the world, including recuperating Chief Gani Fawehinmi S.A.N claiming most mendaciously that I “chopped” some NBA Ikeja branch funds. Not by myself alone, mind you, but with some like-minds.
When I was told of the sub-standard mendacity of the Integrity Group, I asked for the identity of the authors of the big lie. And I was told that the authors were playing ‘lagbaja’ with their identity. All that could be seen or heard or known of them was their mask or paraphernalia of rikisi (intrigue and mischief).
Most interestingly I heard that some friends of mine are terribly upset about the lies of the Otegrity and Otasparency groups against me. Some of these friends went to fetch their guns, some looked for matchets and most frighteningly of all, some headed for Ijebu. You know what that means.
May I use this opportunity to appeal to my concerned friends to sheath their swords? It is not necessary to take up arms in the circumstances. And, I am serious about this.
Alright, the allegation is weighty. For a thief catcher to be labelled a thief, embezzler of public funds is not a compliment. No doubt. But what reasonable person will take the accusation of a ghost, a disembodied being, a faceless twat(s) serious?
Verily I tell you, both the Otegrity group as well as the Otasparency group are ghosts, inhabitants of the never-never world called FANTASY, which is quite some appreciable distance from the earth. And I don’t deal with ghosts, just like any reasonable humanoid.
Let the ghosts cry and wail and shout to the high heavens that I am even a bank robber, I will not be moved. Ghosts don’t move me, much less their rantings.
Last week, precisely Monday the 2nd of June 2008, a call came through my ‘Gizm’ pack. The voice that sounded in my ears clearly painted the picture that the caller was distressed and agitated.
“You just have to come quickly to the High Court and read for yourself the much of NBA Ikeja money you have been alleged to have misappropriated.” said the voice.
Okay, so I was the ‘allegee.’ That’s settled. But who was the “alleger?” I asked the voice. When there’s a report that you are a scoundrel, it is natural to want to know who or what the accuser(s) is.
My accuser, good enough had a name but arduously, lacked an identity. According to my caller, the accuser went by the name Transparency Group (NBA Ikeja).
My immediate reaction was to laugh and hiss at the same time. Just a week earlier, I learnt that a so called Integrity Lawyers Group, sent a mail, courtesy internet services, to the world, including recuperating Chief Gani Fawehinmi S.A.N claiming most mendaciously that I “chopped” some NBA Ikeja branch funds. Not by myself alone, mind you, but with some like-minds.
When I was told of the sub-standard mendacity of the Integrity Group, I asked for the identity of the authors of the big lie. And I was told that the authors were playing ‘lagbaja’ with their identity. All that could be seen or heard or known of them was their mask or paraphernalia of rikisi (intrigue and mischief).
Most interestingly I heard that some friends of mine are terribly upset about the lies of the Otegrity and Otasparency groups against me. Some of these friends went to fetch their guns, some looked for matchets and most frighteningly of all, some headed for Ijebu. You know what that means.
May I use this opportunity to appeal to my concerned friends to sheath their swords? It is not necessary to take up arms in the circumstances. And, I am serious about this.
Alright, the allegation is weighty. For a thief catcher to be labelled a thief, embezzler of public funds is not a compliment. No doubt. But what reasonable person will take the accusation of a ghost, a disembodied being, a faceless twat(s) serious?
Verily I tell you, both the Otegrity group as well as the Otasparency group are ghosts, inhabitants of the never-never world called FANTASY, which is quite some appreciable distance from the earth. And I don’t deal with ghosts, just like any reasonable humanoid.
Let the ghosts cry and wail and shout to the high heavens that I am even a bank robber, I will not be moved. Ghosts don’t move me, much less their rantings.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
'Lord of the Manor' By Adesina Ogunlana
THE LEARNED SQUIB
A man’s home is said to be his castle. Why? And, why castle? A castle is a symbol of a haven, a place of safety, even redoubt of freedom and liberty for the owner. In one’s home, properly so called, one feels very free indeed. Free to be at peace and ease with one self. Free to display and disport without fear of attack, criticism exposure or ridicule.
A man’s home, little wonder then, is one of his most prized possessions. Of course homes come in different shapes and sizes, the important thing is that it must really be a place where a person feels the least qualms and where he is most likely to be true to himself.
In one’s home you can dine on any-thing, any-how and any-time. For example, I know of a man who has two different ways taking bread and tea.
In high society, and away from home, he eats his bread, in bits and pieces, carefully, thoughtfully and meticulously chewing his transformed wheat and then sips his tea straight way from the cup ever so gently and with utmost delicacy. He makes no fuss about his tea or his bread, no matter how unsatisfactory to his buccal canyon and esophageal tunnel.
This same man (please stop suspecting me as the culprit) tackles his bread and tea in more liberal terms once at home. For starters, he spoons into his mouth some of the tea for tentative appreciation of its virtues, before casting some parts of the bread into the enriched and sweetened and coloured, hot H2O.
He then waits a few seconds, about five, before hauling the delicious lump into his mouth. Of course, we all know, that’s a barbaric way of dining on bread and tea, but our man does not care-after all it is a home-based barbarity.
In one’s house, one, depending on the circumstances, can afford to walk about in the manner of Adam and Eve, before the duo discovered the art of fashion designing or one may adopt the 80% nudity style popularised by Fela Anikulapo Kuti, where the only piece of cloth on a person only covers his or her genitalia.
Clearly not many people are like Fela, so only a few can embrace the 80% nudity style. But only a few, especially men will, in their own homes, feel too embarrassed to go about half-naked, especially waist-up. But how many can afford to adopt even the 50% nudity style outside their homes? You don’t know any? I don’t blame you. Even me, I only know one person, who did that.
This wonderful person is a lawyer, a senior lawyer, called to the bar twenty-two years ago. He is an easy going and quietly successful specialist counsel. What the gentleman does not know about moving and perfecting bail (at the magistrate courts) is not worth knowing.
On Thursday, 29th May 2008, (Democracy) I came to meet a client in compound B of the Ikeja High court. Barrister Osita Egonu also came to do the same. But while waiting for his client Barrister Egonu removed his buba. He was left wearing only his trousers.
As he strolled about the compound looking for a cool place to stay and enjoy his newspapers, the barrister was a sight to behold. To me, he caught the perfect picture of a lord of the manor. His tummy described a modest convex and there was this Mona Lisa-ish half-smile playing on his hips. So free was barrister Egonu in the court premises, that Thursday afternoon than one could easily mistake the premises to be part of the man’s estate.
One young buck who was with me, however wondered at barrister Egonu’s appearance. Said the buck “Sir, honestly I thought the man was one of the gardeners in the compound or may be one of the gate-men.”
Fortunately Osita Egonu is a lawyer and not a gardener or a gate man (even if he looked the part on democracy day). And we thank the Lord for that.
A man’s home is said to be his castle. Why? And, why castle? A castle is a symbol of a haven, a place of safety, even redoubt of freedom and liberty for the owner. In one’s home, properly so called, one feels very free indeed. Free to be at peace and ease with one self. Free to display and disport without fear of attack, criticism exposure or ridicule.
A man’s home, little wonder then, is one of his most prized possessions. Of course homes come in different shapes and sizes, the important thing is that it must really be a place where a person feels the least qualms and where he is most likely to be true to himself.
In one’s home you can dine on any-thing, any-how and any-time. For example, I know of a man who has two different ways taking bread and tea.
In high society, and away from home, he eats his bread, in bits and pieces, carefully, thoughtfully and meticulously chewing his transformed wheat and then sips his tea straight way from the cup ever so gently and with utmost delicacy. He makes no fuss about his tea or his bread, no matter how unsatisfactory to his buccal canyon and esophageal tunnel.
This same man (please stop suspecting me as the culprit) tackles his bread and tea in more liberal terms once at home. For starters, he spoons into his mouth some of the tea for tentative appreciation of its virtues, before casting some parts of the bread into the enriched and sweetened and coloured, hot H2O.
He then waits a few seconds, about five, before hauling the delicious lump into his mouth. Of course, we all know, that’s a barbaric way of dining on bread and tea, but our man does not care-after all it is a home-based barbarity.
In one’s house, one, depending on the circumstances, can afford to walk about in the manner of Adam and Eve, before the duo discovered the art of fashion designing or one may adopt the 80% nudity style popularised by Fela Anikulapo Kuti, where the only piece of cloth on a person only covers his or her genitalia.
Clearly not many people are like Fela, so only a few can embrace the 80% nudity style. But only a few, especially men will, in their own homes, feel too embarrassed to go about half-naked, especially waist-up. But how many can afford to adopt even the 50% nudity style outside their homes? You don’t know any? I don’t blame you. Even me, I only know one person, who did that.
This wonderful person is a lawyer, a senior lawyer, called to the bar twenty-two years ago. He is an easy going and quietly successful specialist counsel. What the gentleman does not know about moving and perfecting bail (at the magistrate courts) is not worth knowing.
On Thursday, 29th May 2008, (Democracy) I came to meet a client in compound B of the Ikeja High court. Barrister Osita Egonu also came to do the same. But while waiting for his client Barrister Egonu removed his buba. He was left wearing only his trousers.
As he strolled about the compound looking for a cool place to stay and enjoy his newspapers, the barrister was a sight to behold. To me, he caught the perfect picture of a lord of the manor. His tummy described a modest convex and there was this Mona Lisa-ish half-smile playing on his hips. So free was barrister Egonu in the court premises, that Thursday afternoon than one could easily mistake the premises to be part of the man’s estate.
One young buck who was with me, however wondered at barrister Egonu’s appearance. Said the buck “Sir, honestly I thought the man was one of the gardeners in the compound or may be one of the gate-men.”
Fortunately Osita Egonu is a lawyer and not a gardener or a gate man (even if he looked the part on democracy day). And we thank the Lord for that.
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