'The Shameless Tap' By Adesina Ogunlana

Vol 7 No 32 2nd July 2007

THE LEARNED SQUIB


‘The Shameless Tap’ By Adesina Ogunlana

Almost about everything interests, even excites kids. Animals, insects, colours, sounds, trees, grasses, houses, the sky, the river, even the breeze. Little wonder then that one was susceptible to believing many cock and bull stories as a young child. For example, I was told that Nnamdi Azikwe (Zik) had the keys to the Atlantic Ocean and that the reason why the ocean had not over-run the whole world was because Azikiwe’s saintly heart never thought of unlocking the ocean depths. I was told and I verily believed that if I should eat my orange with the pips an orange tree would sprout up right at the centre of my head.

Of course I also learnt that a white man met his untimely death at the ‘foot’ of Teslim ‘Thunder’ Balogun the Nigerian soccer legend. The unfortunate man a goal-keeper so the story went was fool hardy enough enough to pick a bet with the Thunder himself that from the penalty spot, Balogun wouldn’t put the round leather past him even if he tried three times. Accordingly a date was chosen. The first shot was played by Thunder and goal-keeper caught it. Then the second kick was taken but the goal-keeper wizard also caught it. All that while, Thunder Balogun had used his right foot to take the rights. He placed the ball on the spot again and was about to take when his wife called

“Thunder, thunder,
don’t forget your left!”

When Teslim Thunder Balogun heard the call, he did not ignore it. He took heed and released a shot so ferocious that it hit the goal-keeper in the tummy, tore it open and went through the man’s back to land in the net! This incredible story swallowed completely by me. I even digested it. Remember I was but a little kid then, just as you were too, one time or the other.

Now I have a spectacular true-life story to tell but I doubt whether you will believe I am not spinning a yarn. The story is about a lawyer. Well lawyers are no Martians. Last Wednesday, the lawyer poured liquid uric acid on some grasses. There is nothing spectacular about this either. It is only natural for men to pee, even the most gorgeous hominid do this and the ‘number 2’ as well. It is also natural too for grasses to receive all manners and water, bladder-water inclusive.

On a second thought maybe my story is not all that spectacular after all. May be it’s even trifle, not worth telling.

After all, the standards have gone down considerably in the legal profession. The dogs have taken decency hostage, while morality is down the drains.

That is why a so called lawyer in broad daylight in the premises of a court could saunter to the lawn where all and sundry including chaste including chaste female magistrates could see his blackened weapon of mass destruction and poured down torrents of liquid urea on unfortunate grasses.

Amazing the barrister in question performed his open toilet with the calmness and nonchalance you only see in mating dogs. Since this specimen of a lawyer is from the Ikeja zone of the Abe-Igi Chambers of bail specialists, I will humbly plead with this constituency to counsel him on the need to meet minimum requirements of the law of decency.

The specimen in question is just about three (3) years in the Ikeja Magistrate Court Resident Lawyers Association. So he is still junior enough to be amenable to correction.

Please enough is enough. The other day it was this “bolekaja” lawyer who engaged a warder in a prolonged shouting match in the premises of the court. It is bad enough that an Abe-Igi Chambers can be carved out of the court premises. But any attempt to slide it further into the equivalence of a motor park must not be allowed.